I suppose I should give some back story here. Lately, I've been in an awful rut. I don't know if I'm depressed in the clinical way, but I'm definitely down. I used to kinda of enjoy my jobs (both the real job and the writing), but now I don't enjoy any part of it. Nothing has changed with either job, but my reactions to them are 180 degrees from where they used to be. As a result, I've shown less patience at home with the kids (something I struggle with anyway) and it's lead to some friction with my wife as well.
I'm not in any way disagreeing with her assessment (she even noted how little attention I give the dog lately - I hadn't noticed that); I have been in a foul mood and I can't come up with a good reason why. I suppose if I'm honest with myself, I can point to the waiting game I've been playing with Proctor & Gamble. You see, I was interviewed there and have made it into the hiring pool. Getting a position with them would literally be a life-changing event. I would start at roughly $15,000 more per year than I currently earn. The problem is that there are no promises that my name will ever get pulled from the pool, much less any guesses on when it would happen if it did. So for the better part of six weeks now, I've just been waiting for the email or phone call that tells me I'm in. Until it comes, I haven't really been interested in living my life.
The worst part is that all during the (literally) four months of the process to this point, I had been able to maintain the mindset that I have a job, I'm comfortable, I don't need this position. It was done as a defense mechanism more than anything else, I suppose, to protect me from getting too high on the idea, only to crash down if/when it didn't happen. But with the spot now within sight, I haven't been able to control my emotions. I want this job and until I get it, I'm having difficulty remembering that my life must go on and that people are depending on me to be myself (even as much as my usual self is a bit of a drag).
Do I know that the waiting game is what's brought me into a depression? No, of course I don't. I hope that's the root cause, but I can really only speculate. I don't feel good physically. I have very little energy and even less motivation. The human mind is a complicated place and as much as I am able to analyze what's wrong with a certain baseball team, I cannot find success in analyzing my own life and righting what is wrong. It's just tough to do when you're not quite sure what the problem is.
Look, I don't really do a ton of introspective thinking. Perhaps that's one of my many flaws (and perhaps that's why I can't ever really improve as a person). I talk about being more patient or changing my outlook, but I find it so much easier to not do those things. It's easier not to be great. That's a piss-poor attitude, but it's one that, if I'm honest with myself, I've taken for the vast majority of my life. Until that much is changed, I'm not sure I'll ever be the husband and father that I should be. That does scare the hell out of me and you'd think that thought alone would be enough to kick myself in the ass, but it just hasn't happened. I worry that it never will.
People will look at this and think I just don't care enough to put in the effort. There's no way I agree with that take. I don't know what it is, what's causing the issues I'm having, but I haven't been able to get out of my slump.
I really don't have stresses that any normal person doesn't have, so apart from the waiting game, I can't see any reason why I've been anything other than myself; yet I have been.
So what's the answer? When I try to finish the sentence "I'm happiest when..." I can't come up with a great answer, at least not an honest one. What that tells me is that I really am depressed right now because I know that I have several aspects of my life that I ordinarily do enjoy a great deal. Over the past few weeks or months, those aspects have been far less enjoyable. Nothing has changed externally, apart from the P&G thing, so I can't find any other reason than that to blame for my lack of interest in life.
I guess all I can do is hope that by traveling within my own head I have found a clue as to what is causing me to withdraw. Today, I am making a concerted effort to take greater pleasure in my daily activities. I do think that my mood has improved today, to a degree at least, and I am noticing myself being a bit happier (I guess that's the right word). I know they make pills for people who are going through what I am right now; several members of my family are on them. I don't want to join their ranks. I want to feel better, but I want to do so on my own. Hopefully, this writing I have done here will be a step in the right direction. Maybe by getting it out of my head in on to a screen, I'll be able to break out of my funk and get back to being me.
Because as much as I do have flaws, I know I'm not unhappy with my life. It just looks like I am and it feels like I am. I'll do my best to change the way it looks and hopefully I'll be changing the way I feel at the same time. I'm sorry I can't explain it better, baby, but I do love you and the kids more than I've been able to show. I know there's a problem. I hope I can find the answer. Stick with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment