Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

I was talking with my wife last night after the kids went to bed. Those are the moments, so few of them, that we get a chance to be alone and connect as human beings. We were talking about the kids, of course, and I'm not sure how the subject came to it, but also about this blog of mine; this place and its purpose.

As I said before, I'm generally closed off to the world as far as my thoughts and feelings go. But this site will provide not only an outlet for my inner demons, but also a place where my thoughts can live on forever. I have written over 800 articles about my beloved Tigers and for as long as the internet survives, those pieces will be available to whomever Googles my name. What I haven't done enough of is allowing my children to really know their dad and if something were to happen to me, I fear they never would really know me and who I was and what (besides the Tigers) I cared about.

I want this site to be a place where they can find out about me and how I feel about them, just in case.

I saw a little girl with her dad today, getting candy from a machine in front of my desk. The girl was maybe eight years old. As I type this, the pair has made a return trip for a second helping from the machine. I so want to be that dad, the one who gives his daughter everything she wants. Instead I'm the dad who says "we'll eat dinner soon" or "you have candy at home" or some other kill-joy statement.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to let them live like they should, to let them enjoy every moment to the fullest. I can't bring myself to enjoy those moments, either. I can try to look at it and come up with an answer, but in reality it doesn't matter why I can't do those things, it only matters that I don't do them. Reasons and excuses don't make my little girls smile.

Lillian may be the smartest six year old in history. I swear she could start fourth grade tomorrow and she'd find a way to keep up. From the day that I met her, she was always 15 years older than she is. If it wasn't illegal to do so, I'd maybe even leave her at home to watch the three other kids. I think she could handle it, I really do.

She's always there to pick up my slack. Leyton loves to have books read to him, but sometimes after the second or third book, I'm ready to move on before he is. Lillian will pipe up with "I'll read it to him" and she does it to perfection. It's easy to forget that she only just turned six. It's easy to forget that as a six year old, she is only a small child and will be selfish at times and will pout and over dramatize seemingly tiny situations. (aside: that little girl from above is back for round three. There is no way I would allow that, nor do I think her dad should.)

Lillian and Sebastian are my step-children. This is in title only. Their "real" dad is a truck driver who gets very little time off and that which he does have he devotes to hanging out with his friends and looking for answers to his problems in the bottom of the bottle. Maybe those answers are in the next one, Joe, you just keep on looking. I know you will. Those two kids treat him like a God when he does pity them enough to see them. Part of that is that they love him, sure, but part is that he acts more like that fun uncle that shows up to take you to the water park every now and then. And don't blame his work schedule for all of his absence, he only started driving truck about a year and a half ago. Before that he was unemployed and still wouldn't show up to see the kids. He says he's trying, but he also says he won't alter his lifestyle just because he has kids. I've wasted enough space here on him. The point is that those kids deserve better than he gives. They deserve better than I give most of the time, too.

I'm a very lucky man in that I married the best woman in the world and joined a family with kids who accepted me right away. I have never once heard "you're not my dad!" from either of those two. I suspect I will once they reach the know-it-all stage of teenagers. I can't tell you how exactly I will react to that when it does happen, but I can guess that anger with a heavy dose of hurt feelings will come with it.

I pick on Lillian a lot, maybe more than I should given her age. It's all in good fun and I hope she gets that (I think she does), but nevertheless, I should probably watch that a bit. When I married Valerie, Lillian was not quite three years old and had already lived a lifetime. I worry that she's not active enough and that her appetite is too large. I don't want her to grow up being made fun of for her weight. She's not fat now, but she a bit heavier than she maybe could be if we encouraged her to be more active and spend less time in front of a television. I grew up fat (still am), I know what that can do to your self worth.

Lillian is my helper on days when Valerie works and I'm at home with the kids, but she's also a beautiful, smart, funny little girl. She just recently lost her fifth tooth and she hoards her money from those teeth and from birthdays. I swear you can't get her to spend it to buy herself a toy or whatever she wants. I hope that I'll be able to give her the childhood she should have and I hope I do well enough with her that one day she'll ask me to give her away at her wedding. Whether she does or not, I know that day will break my heart.