I saw a tweet today that made me think. And it made me sad. The tweet said "I swear driving away is the hardest thing I do. Daddy loves you." Now, I don't know the context here, nor do I know why this person would tweet this thought to the masses instead of simply telling his children these words. It could be that this "Daddy" is a salesman or a truck driver or does something else that requires he leaves his family to travel to earn his living. It could be that he counts down the hours until he gets home. I'd like to think that's the case. It's sad that a family should have to be split up that way, but it happens if that's the only job the guy can get.
The other possibility is that the tweeter is a divorced father, or maybe he and the mother were never married. Either way, those two are no longer together. The kids live with their mom and the father sees them sparingly, like every other weekend or something like that. This doesn't make me sad for the father so much as it does for the kids. This, maybe much more so that the first scenario, is avoidable.
I understand that we aren't always thinking about the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we do things and maybe we get away with it. Maybe you went out last weekend and had a few too many and then you decided you were okay and drove yourself home. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You made it home without getting caught and without hitting anyone or anything. You got away with it. The next day maybe you realize how dumb you were to try something like that and hopefully you learn a harmless lesson.
Other times, we don't get away with it and then it's time to own your actions and take responsibility for the situation. If you are married, you are making a lifelong commitment to that person. This is something that far too many people take far too lightly. Those vows that you recite, those aren't just words. They mean something. They say that for better or for worse, no matter the scenario, through thick and thin, you will stand by your partner's side. It's a commitment to honor, to love, and to cherish. And to do so for as long as you both shall live.
The divorce rate in this country is sky high. I don't know the precise number, but I believe it's north of fifty percent. We live in a modern world that puts instant gratification at our fingertips. If something is difficult, we generally give up quickly and find something else to do. The problem is that there is no real happiness in jumping from one quick and easy thing to the next; the only true gratification comes from seeing a difficult process through to the end. Marriage is difficult, fatherhood is difficult, but there will be no happiness is giving up and moving on.
Look, I understand that there are extreme cases where a partner is abusive to another or to the children, where for safety's sake, a marriage must end. But you cannot tell me that this alone accounts for the failure rate of marriages in this country. I am not some holy roller who thinks you'll go to hell for getting a divorce, but I do believe that when you give someone your word, you should do everything possible to honor that commitment. As strongly as I believe in marriage, I feel much more strongly that as soon as kids are involved, the stakes are raised significantly.
Now, I assume most of you are thinking that I grew up in some perfect household with a mom and a dad that never fought, with two siblings, with a dog, and a white picket fence.That's far from the truth. My parents were divorced when I was four years old and I spent the rest of my childhood visiting my dad on Tuesday evenings and then spending the night with him on Friday. I saw him much more often that that, though, as he lived just down the road from me for the majority of my childhood. I honestly don't know the reasons that my parents' marriage ended. I've never asked and don't intend to. My dad was always there and my mom did a tremendous job with my two sisters and I. I was young enough when it happened that I actually don't remember a time where my parents lived together. I suppose that made it easier for me. I know it was a lot harder on my older sister.
Now that I am married with kids of my own, I'm learning so much about myself and about my belief system. Things I thought were important before generally don't mean all that much to me now. Likewise, things I never gave thought to before have become quite meaningful these days.
I didn't get married until I was 30 years old. I married a woman who had two very young children from her first marriage. I was set up for failure. I had no idea how to put the needs of others before my own; I had never had to do that before. I had no idea how to raise a child, especially a 2 year old boy that I had just met.
More than anything I think, I learned what it means to be a father by seeing how my wife's ex-husband has handled things. I see the way he disappoints the kids by not showing up when he says he will, by telling them he'll keep them overnight only to bring them home two hours later so he can go out with his drinking buddies. I see the looks on their faces on Saturday afternoon, when their bio-dad had told them he'd pick them up first thing that morning, and they realize he's not coming. I learned that actions, and words, mean something and they have consequences. Unfortunately, it's the kids that suffer those consequences in this case.
Like I said, I'm not saying there is never a reason to end a marriage. What I'm saying is that there are ways to avoid getting to that point. It comes from both partners and has to be done together and always. First, don't abuse your partner or the kids. I shouldn't have to say that, should I? Secondly, don't cheat on your spouse. Thirdly, understand that you and your spouse will argue, you will fight, and you will get angry. Don't immediately assume that the other one hates you and don't do something stupid that escalates the situation.
You and your wife have a big fight and you leave the house. You decide you'll get back at her by heading to the bar. Two hours later you wind up cheating on her. Now the marriage is in big, big trouble because you felt the selfish need to get even. Three years later, there's some other guy tucking your kids into bed, some other guy they're calling "dad" and your left tweeting about how hard it is to drive away. Tell me, was it worth it?
It's about honoring your spouse, about putting the needs of others before yours, and about having the courage to stick it out and see it through. More than that, more than anything, it's about never putting yourself into a position to have to drive away and allow someone else to raise your children.
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