In my last post, I talked about my curiosity of Buddhism and the meditations found therein. I spent a few hours yesterday scouring the internet in an attempt to find as much information as I could. While I haven't yet even begun to scratch the surface of what is out there, the quest has already started in my mind.
I can't begin to describe the feeling of anticipation and excitement that has taken hold of me. It is as if a curtain has been opened and I can now see a path to serenity. More than anything else, for the first time since I began giving my existence any kind of real thought, I have a hope that my questions may be answered. And hope is a wonderful thing.
I realize that anyone who reads this may very well come away thinking that I'm some kind of lunatic. It's a scary thing to commit to writing down one's thoughts. It is even more scary to click on that fancy little "publish post" button and truly leave yourself open to the criticisms of the world.
Up until about a year ago, I lived my life the same way that the vast majority of the world does. I'd go to work and react to people, I'd come home and react to my family, then I'd simply plop in front of the television and tune out the rest of the world. I did this for most of my adult life. Sure, my mind would be thinking constantly, but my thoughts have always been centered on reacting to the external; I rarely, if ever, gave any time to figuring out my own head. Truth be told, it simply never occurred to me to do so. If you simply accept that the way things are is the way they are supposed to be, you don't ever wonder how things could be different. That's what I did; I accepted that I was simply wired to be the way I was.
I have no idea why my wife felt that I was someone she'd want to spend her life with. I hear that men seek women who remind them of their mother and that women seek men like their father. Best I can tell, her father and I share very few traits. He is a patient man who keeps any kind of contentious thoughts unspoken. That's not me. Throughout my marriage, Valerie has at times pointed out my flaws. I don't mean while we are fighting (though she certainly does then as well), but while we are simply talking about life or the kids or whatever. She has tried to get me to see that I could handle a given situation better than I have. It was from those conversations that sprouted this seed of curiosity.
There is a stubbornness that must be overcome in order to examine oneself. The natural reaction when anyone tells you that you aren't good enough to to get defensive and put up a wall. No longer will you allow yourself to hear their reasoning, because their reasoning doesn't matter to you. The only thing that matters is the feeling that you are being attacked and you do what is needed to protect yourself, to protect your ego. Instead of listening to the protests, more often we lash back out at the protester, pointing out their flaws in a game of oneupsmanship. Before any serious introspection can take place, you have to be willing to move that ego to the side and honestly look at whether or not the perceived attacks are valid. This is a very difficult thing to do and it takes a long, long time to get to a point where you are willing to be as honest with yourself as needed.
The problem that I have encountered is that even after the ego is set aside, there are far more questions than answers. Once I was able to give an honest look within, I found that I knew very little about myself. Why was I the way I was? I am not blind, I can see the way others react to situations. I have spent a long time butting my head against the world. If a person or situation annoyed me, it was clearly the fault of the annoyance. This creates an atmosphere where people feel the need to tread lightly around me or risk the wrath of my temper. Certainly I am not alone in my reactions to the world, I know and see others who react the way I do, but does that mean that the way I react is optimal? And if not, are there ways I can change the way I react?
The key element here, I think, is that I began asking these questions with the goal of finding answers. There has to be a willingness to see if, in fact, your self-righteousness is valid. Are your reactions the fault of the annoyance, or are they the fault of the man being annoyed? If the annoyance cannot be modified, then the reaction to it must be. There must also be a willingness to pursue avenues of change if you find that your self-righteous behavior is unwarranted.
I'm just guessing here, but I doubt many people are willing to look that deeply and that honestly. There is a stigma attached to those who show a perceived weakness of the mind. If you hear that a person you know sees a psychiatrist, is your reaction to that news one of acceptance or one of ridicule? More often than not, it's ridicule. That person must not be right in the head; they must be crazy. It is that very line of thought that will prevent others from looking within their own heads. Consciously or not, there is a very real fear of what they may find if they do.
It's easier not to be wise. It's easier to sleepwalk through your life without giving any real thought to how our own minds work. We are willing instead to accept that what we have been given is what we should have. We accept that the contentment that others have shown is simply what they have been given. We may be jealous of their lot, but we accept that it is theirs and not ours; that it was not meant for us. We decide that we just need to catch that one life-changing break; we need to hit the lottery or find true love, or whatever. It's easier not to be great. It's easier not to be introspective, not to attempt improvement, not to risk opening a Pandora's box of self-doubt. It's easier to remain envious of others and wonder why we couldn't be so lucky.
But to do this, to wander through our lives focused only on the external, is to accept restlessness. It is to accept unhappiness. It is to accept loneliness. It is to accept discontent.
And I'm not willing to accept those things anymore.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
My Latest Personal Quest for Answers
"It must suck to go through life as a miserable pessimist, proclaiming yourself a 'realist' while most people just think you're an asshole." -unknown
Yesterday, I began reading a book. I have a few on my shelf that I've been meaning to tackle, but with the baseball season going on and all the work I do in covering the season, I have no time for it. Now that the Tigers have been eliminated, I decided to crack one open instead of watching football (which I don't care much about anyway).
The first book on list was The Way of Baseball: Finding Stillness at 95 MPH by former Major Leaguer Shawn Green. There was a reason i chose this book versus a few others. Green wasn't one of my favorite players by any stretch, but his book promised not only a good baseball story, it promised also to tell the reader how Green was able to unlock his mind and truly become happy. Truth be told, it was the second part that intrigued me.
The book itself is roughly 200 pages and thus far I've read only 36 of them. Upon finishing my reading for the day, I sent a text to my wife that said "this book is changing the way I think about life." I meant every word of that text.
What has happened since I began my reading of this book is that I find myself consumed with the idea of stillness. Green has touched only briefly on the topic so far, but his words have awakened a curiosity within me. The meditation that he practiced prepared him to enter the mind and achieve a serenity that I do not know. The result, for me, is that I want to learn more.
Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I am difficult to deal with. My views of the world are often harsh and I rarely take the time and effort needed to soften my response to others, whether they be friend or foe. When I was younger, I wore my pessimism as a badge of honor (how incredibly stupid that is), and now I am left only to wonder how many years of anger, frustration, and disappointment I could have avoided with a sunnier disposition. At 34, I'm no longer young, but I still have a long life ahead of me; 'twould be a shame to waste was is left of it being consumed by loathing.
I think back to when I was in college. I didn't have a lot going for me. I had no love-life to speak of, I drank often. I had a series of crappy jobs that brought very little money and even less fulfillment. During that time, I was a generally unhappy person. I don't even know it it actually was "unhappy", but I can't find the words to properly articulate my disposition. The glass was always half-empty, I guess.
Fast forward several years and I have found the love of my wife and children. I have a stable job, I have found an outlet in my writing. I own a home and have a yard and a dog and everything i could ask for. But still I remain sour, despite the fact that almost every single variable has changed for the better. Obviously, the problem as I see it, is that I haven't changed the way I react to the world.
I was raised Catholic, but it wasn't strictly enforced. When I married, I happily allowed my children to attend a Methodist church; the one my wife called hers. It didn't take long, through the actions of several members of said church, to realize that the hypocrisy within those walls were not unlike the same that took place in my Catholic church. It has all always been very unsatisfying to me. The answers I have sought have not been found within either sector of religion. I have come to realization that they will not be found there. They may be there for others, but not for me.
This journey that I would like to pursue has its root in Buddhism, from what I understand, a religion about which I know very little. The Western world frowns upon veering from the beaten path and Buddhism, in these parts, certainly qualifies. I do not know if my inner conflicts can be resolved with the answers I may find in its teachings, but I'm willing to find out. Nothing I have tried so far has worked.
In reality, this restlessness has been a long time coming. I have worked to lengthen my fuse, so to speak, to avoid moments of rage stemming from an annoyance. I think I'm a bit better at keeping my cool now than I once was, but I routinely find myself teetering on the edge. Do this often enough and anyone is certainly bound to slip. I slip much more often than I would like.
I realize that there are external components that will influence my thoughts and feelings. Those components cannot be controlled, try as I might. I might allow a customer or even a stranger to irritate me, and that puts me in a dark mood. That mood manifests itself within my head and grows and sprouts other unnecessary thoughts of discomfort. My children are a joy, but they are children and they are loud and they fight and they climb on things that should not be climbed on, and they break things and write on things, and they destroy my sanity. I cannot stop them from being kids, and so far I have been unable to stop them from affecting my mood and my well-being. It's unhealthy for me, and it creates an atmosphere of yelling and discord that becomes unhealthy for them as well.
I have come to the realization that while the external influences cannot be controlled, I must look within myself to control how I allow these influences to affect me. If I can do this, I will be better equipped to prevent the darkness inside myself and allow more light to shine within my head. It is my hope that by working toward this goal, I will in turn become the more patient, more caring father and husband that I need to be. Further, it is my hope that I, too, can achieve the inner stillness that allows my mind to be free from the external influences that have affected how I have lived my life so far.
In reading the words written by a former ballplayer, I have found a curiosity and a hope. I do not know whether or not I will find the peace and stillness I need to find, but I am excited to see what awaits down this path of spirituality and inner peace. I want to do this because it does suck to be a miserable pessimist. And most people (rightly so) do think I'm an asshole.
Yesterday, I began reading a book. I have a few on my shelf that I've been meaning to tackle, but with the baseball season going on and all the work I do in covering the season, I have no time for it. Now that the Tigers have been eliminated, I decided to crack one open instead of watching football (which I don't care much about anyway).
The first book on list was The Way of Baseball: Finding Stillness at 95 MPH by former Major Leaguer Shawn Green. There was a reason i chose this book versus a few others. Green wasn't one of my favorite players by any stretch, but his book promised not only a good baseball story, it promised also to tell the reader how Green was able to unlock his mind and truly become happy. Truth be told, it was the second part that intrigued me.
The book itself is roughly 200 pages and thus far I've read only 36 of them. Upon finishing my reading for the day, I sent a text to my wife that said "this book is changing the way I think about life." I meant every word of that text.
What has happened since I began my reading of this book is that I find myself consumed with the idea of stillness. Green has touched only briefly on the topic so far, but his words have awakened a curiosity within me. The meditation that he practiced prepared him to enter the mind and achieve a serenity that I do not know. The result, for me, is that I want to learn more.
Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I am difficult to deal with. My views of the world are often harsh and I rarely take the time and effort needed to soften my response to others, whether they be friend or foe. When I was younger, I wore my pessimism as a badge of honor (how incredibly stupid that is), and now I am left only to wonder how many years of anger, frustration, and disappointment I could have avoided with a sunnier disposition. At 34, I'm no longer young, but I still have a long life ahead of me; 'twould be a shame to waste was is left of it being consumed by loathing.
I think back to when I was in college. I didn't have a lot going for me. I had no love-life to speak of, I drank often. I had a series of crappy jobs that brought very little money and even less fulfillment. During that time, I was a generally unhappy person. I don't even know it it actually was "unhappy", but I can't find the words to properly articulate my disposition. The glass was always half-empty, I guess.
Fast forward several years and I have found the love of my wife and children. I have a stable job, I have found an outlet in my writing. I own a home and have a yard and a dog and everything i could ask for. But still I remain sour, despite the fact that almost every single variable has changed for the better. Obviously, the problem as I see it, is that I haven't changed the way I react to the world.
I was raised Catholic, but it wasn't strictly enforced. When I married, I happily allowed my children to attend a Methodist church; the one my wife called hers. It didn't take long, through the actions of several members of said church, to realize that the hypocrisy within those walls were not unlike the same that took place in my Catholic church. It has all always been very unsatisfying to me. The answers I have sought have not been found within either sector of religion. I have come to realization that they will not be found there. They may be there for others, but not for me.
This journey that I would like to pursue has its root in Buddhism, from what I understand, a religion about which I know very little. The Western world frowns upon veering from the beaten path and Buddhism, in these parts, certainly qualifies. I do not know if my inner conflicts can be resolved with the answers I may find in its teachings, but I'm willing to find out. Nothing I have tried so far has worked.
In reality, this restlessness has been a long time coming. I have worked to lengthen my fuse, so to speak, to avoid moments of rage stemming from an annoyance. I think I'm a bit better at keeping my cool now than I once was, but I routinely find myself teetering on the edge. Do this often enough and anyone is certainly bound to slip. I slip much more often than I would like.
I realize that there are external components that will influence my thoughts and feelings. Those components cannot be controlled, try as I might. I might allow a customer or even a stranger to irritate me, and that puts me in a dark mood. That mood manifests itself within my head and grows and sprouts other unnecessary thoughts of discomfort. My children are a joy, but they are children and they are loud and they fight and they climb on things that should not be climbed on, and they break things and write on things, and they destroy my sanity. I cannot stop them from being kids, and so far I have been unable to stop them from affecting my mood and my well-being. It's unhealthy for me, and it creates an atmosphere of yelling and discord that becomes unhealthy for them as well.
I have come to the realization that while the external influences cannot be controlled, I must look within myself to control how I allow these influences to affect me. If I can do this, I will be better equipped to prevent the darkness inside myself and allow more light to shine within my head. It is my hope that by working toward this goal, I will in turn become the more patient, more caring father and husband that I need to be. Further, it is my hope that I, too, can achieve the inner stillness that allows my mind to be free from the external influences that have affected how I have lived my life so far.
In reading the words written by a former ballplayer, I have found a curiosity and a hope. I do not know whether or not I will find the peace and stillness I need to find, but I am excited to see what awaits down this path of spirituality and inner peace. I want to do this because it does suck to be a miserable pessimist. And most people (rightly so) do think I'm an asshole.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
The Stupidity that Takes Place Within the Customer Lounge
From my office at the dealership, I can hear everything that happens in the customer lounge next door. Most of the time, this isn't a huge issue as at least I can catch up on whatever stuff Fox New Channel thinks I should give a crap about. Of course, in addition to the television that's usually turned up way too high, I get to overhear the customers talking as well.
Today there is an elderly couple in the lounge. I can't see them, but there's no mistaking the man's voice as one that must be beyond 70. The service writer came into the lounge to try to sell some work that needs done on their car. In this instance, the customer's third brake light bulb is burnt out. Parts and labor to fix this minor issue will total $20. The woman is all for the idea, but the man insists he's "not paying $60 dollars for a bulb," even though she clearly said $20. The service writer and the elderly woman both repeat that the cost is $20, not $60, but the old man stands his ground. The bulb will go unfixed.
So, the service writer retreats and the couple is left alone. The woman asks (quite legitimately) is the man is capable of changing the bulb. The man insists that the SW had said $60 the first time and that she's trying to rip him off. Then he says "it's probably not even out, we'll check it when we get home." So clearly, we know this guy cannot hear very well, is too old to physically handle many tasks, and suspects that our dealership, the most reputable dealership in the area, is trying to screw him. He goes on to tell his companion that there was one other time "they" insisted a bulb was out but he checked it later and it was working. She asks at that point "didn't you replace that bulb, though?" To which he replies, "well that was later, after it quit working." Sure, buddy.
I really do have a point to this story, I swear, and it's this: If you think going in that this business will try to screw you, why would you bring your car here? Personally, if I had that opinion about any business, there is no way I would patronize them again.
Oh my gosh, he's still going... Now he's complaining about the cost of the oil change. It's ridiculous, he says. Now he actually said "these people are gonna rip you off." Not today, pal. I swear it's all I can do to remain seated in my office and not walk in there and point out everything this asshat is wrong about.
It's gonna be a long, long day.
Today there is an elderly couple in the lounge. I can't see them, but there's no mistaking the man's voice as one that must be beyond 70. The service writer came into the lounge to try to sell some work that needs done on their car. In this instance, the customer's third brake light bulb is burnt out. Parts and labor to fix this minor issue will total $20. The woman is all for the idea, but the man insists he's "not paying $60 dollars for a bulb," even though she clearly said $20. The service writer and the elderly woman both repeat that the cost is $20, not $60, but the old man stands his ground. The bulb will go unfixed.
So, the service writer retreats and the couple is left alone. The woman asks (quite legitimately) is the man is capable of changing the bulb. The man insists that the SW had said $60 the first time and that she's trying to rip him off. Then he says "it's probably not even out, we'll check it when we get home." So clearly, we know this guy cannot hear very well, is too old to physically handle many tasks, and suspects that our dealership, the most reputable dealership in the area, is trying to screw him. He goes on to tell his companion that there was one other time "they" insisted a bulb was out but he checked it later and it was working. She asks at that point "didn't you replace that bulb, though?" To which he replies, "well that was later, after it quit working." Sure, buddy.
I really do have a point to this story, I swear, and it's this: If you think going in that this business will try to screw you, why would you bring your car here? Personally, if I had that opinion about any business, there is no way I would patronize them again.
Oh my gosh, he's still going... Now he's complaining about the cost of the oil change. It's ridiculous, he says. Now he actually said "these people are gonna rip you off." Not today, pal. I swear it's all I can do to remain seated in my office and not walk in there and point out everything this asshat is wrong about.
It's gonna be a long, long day.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Realizing One of My Childhood Dreams
I was seven years old when the Detroit Tigers last won the World Series. I was 10 when they last won a divisional crown. Back in 1987, it was the AL East that the Tigers claimed as their own before falling to the underdog Twins in five games in the ALCS. (There were only two divisions back then and no wild cards, so no ALDS existed. Man, I feel old having to explain that.)
Nineteen years passed between playoff appearances for my beloved Tigers before they claimed a wild card spot and ran all the way to the World Series in 2006. I was thrilled, of course, but I had to enjoy the games from the comfort of home instead at at the park. I couldn't land tickets.
Tomorrow night, the Tigers will host the Yankees in Game Four of the ALDS and I will be there. I managed to land a single ticket; an obstructed view seat, no less, for what could be the clinching game.
I figure since the game doesn't even start until after 8:30, it won't end before midnight. By the time I filter out of the stadium and back to the car, it will be well past 3 am before I get home. I have no idea how much it will cost to park, either. Regular season games cost me $10, so I think I can safely assume at least three times that amount for the playoffs. I heard they were charging $45 for parking in New York.
Regardless of the cost and regardless of the hour, I will be there to see my Tigers play in the playoffs. The anticipation is overwhelming. I think I can safely say that this will be one of the top two or three coolest things to happen to me in my lifetime, not counting my wedding and the birth of my kids.
The only thing that would make it better is if I could have gotten two tickets. Valerie and I had a pair of seats to what would have been Game 5, but the Tigers didn't secure home field, so Game 5 won't exist in Detroit. Sorry about that, baby, but I had to pull rank on you here. I've got about 27 years of Tigers fan seniority on you. But I promise that the next time the Tigers get back to the postseason, you'll be with me to take in all the action.
Nineteen years passed between playoff appearances for my beloved Tigers before they claimed a wild card spot and ran all the way to the World Series in 2006. I was thrilled, of course, but I had to enjoy the games from the comfort of home instead at at the park. I couldn't land tickets.
Tomorrow night, the Tigers will host the Yankees in Game Four of the ALDS and I will be there. I managed to land a single ticket; an obstructed view seat, no less, for what could be the clinching game.
I figure since the game doesn't even start until after 8:30, it won't end before midnight. By the time I filter out of the stadium and back to the car, it will be well past 3 am before I get home. I have no idea how much it will cost to park, either. Regular season games cost me $10, so I think I can safely assume at least three times that amount for the playoffs. I heard they were charging $45 for parking in New York.
Regardless of the cost and regardless of the hour, I will be there to see my Tigers play in the playoffs. The anticipation is overwhelming. I think I can safely say that this will be one of the top two or three coolest things to happen to me in my lifetime, not counting my wedding and the birth of my kids.
The only thing that would make it better is if I could have gotten two tickets. Valerie and I had a pair of seats to what would have been Game 5, but the Tigers didn't secure home field, so Game 5 won't exist in Detroit. Sorry about that, baby, but I had to pull rank on you here. I've got about 27 years of Tigers fan seniority on you. But I promise that the next time the Tigers get back to the postseason, you'll be with me to take in all the action.
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