I Alone

In my last post, I talked about my curiosity of Buddhism and the meditations found therein. I spent a few hours yesterday scouring the internet in an attempt to find as much information as I could. While I haven't yet even begun to scratch the surface of what is out there, the quest has already started in my mind.

I can't begin to describe the feeling of anticipation and excitement that has taken hold of me. It is as if a curtain has been opened and I can now see a path to serenity. More than anything else, for the first time since I began giving my existence any kind of real thought, I have a hope that my questions may be answered. And hope is a wonderful thing.

I realize that anyone who reads this may very well come away thinking that I'm some kind of lunatic. It's a scary thing to commit to writing down one's thoughts. It is even more scary to click on that fancy little "publish post" button and truly leave yourself open to the criticisms of the world.

Up until about a year ago, I lived my life the same way that the vast majority of the world does. I'd go to work and react to people, I'd come home and react to my family, then I'd simply plop in front of the television and tune out the rest of the world. I did this for most of my adult life. Sure, my mind would be thinking constantly, but my thoughts have always been centered on reacting to the external; I rarely, if ever, gave any time to figuring out my own head. Truth be told, it simply never occurred to me to do so. If you simply accept that the way things are is the way they are supposed to be, you don't ever wonder how things could be different. That's what I did; I accepted that I was simply wired to be the way I was.

I have no idea why my wife felt that I was someone she'd want to spend her life with. I hear that men seek women who remind them of their mother and that women seek men like their father. Best I can tell, her father and I share very few traits. He is a patient man who keeps any kind of contentious thoughts unspoken. That's not me. Throughout my marriage, Valerie has at times pointed out my flaws. I don't mean while we are fighting (though she certainly does then as well), but while we are simply talking about life or the kids or whatever. She has tried to get me to see that I could handle a given situation better than I have. It was from those conversations that sprouted this seed of curiosity.

There is a stubbornness that must be overcome in order to examine oneself. The natural reaction when anyone tells you that you aren't good enough to to get defensive and put up a wall. No longer will you allow yourself to hear their reasoning, because their reasoning doesn't matter to you. The only thing that matters is the feeling that you are being attacked and you do what is needed to protect yourself, to protect your ego. Instead of listening to the protests, more often we lash back out at the protester, pointing out their flaws in a game of oneupsmanship. Before any serious introspection can take place, you have to be willing to move that ego to the side and honestly look at whether or not the perceived attacks are valid. This is a very difficult thing to do and it takes a long, long time to get to a point where you are willing to be as honest with yourself as needed.

The problem that I have encountered is that even after the ego is set aside, there are far more questions than answers. Once I was able to give an honest look within, I found that I knew very little about myself. Why was I the way I was? I am not blind, I can see the way others react to situations. I have spent a long time butting my head against the world. If a person or situation annoyed me, it was clearly the fault of the annoyance. This creates an atmosphere where people feel the need to tread lightly around me or risk the wrath of my temper. Certainly I am not alone in my reactions to the world, I know and see others who react the way I do, but does that mean that the way I react is optimal? And if not, are there ways I can change the way I react?

The key element here, I think, is that I began asking these questions with the goal of finding answers. There has to be a willingness to see if, in fact, your self-righteousness is valid. Are your reactions the fault of the annoyance, or are they the fault of the man being annoyed? If the annoyance cannot be modified, then the reaction to it must be. There must also be a willingness to pursue avenues of change if you find that your self-righteous behavior is unwarranted.

I'm just guessing here, but I doubt many people are willing to look that deeply and that honestly. There is a stigma attached to those who show a perceived weakness of the mind. If you hear that a person you know sees a psychiatrist, is your reaction to that news one of acceptance or one of ridicule? More often than not, it's ridicule. That person must not be right in the head; they must be crazy. It is that very line of thought that will prevent others from looking within their own heads. Consciously or not, there is a very real fear of what they may find if they do.

It's easier not to be wise. It's easier to sleepwalk through your life without giving any real thought to how our own minds work. We are willing instead to accept that what we have been given is what we should have. We accept that the contentment that others have shown is simply what they have been given. We may be jealous of their lot, but we accept that it is theirs and not ours; that it was not meant for us. We decide that we just need to catch that one life-changing break; we need to hit the lottery or find true love, or whatever. It's easier not to be great. It's easier not to be introspective, not to attempt improvement, not to risk opening a Pandora's box of self-doubt. It's easier to remain envious of others and wonder why we couldn't be so lucky.

But to do this, to wander through our lives focused only on the external, is to accept restlessness. It is to accept unhappiness. It is to accept loneliness. It is to accept discontent.

And I'm not willing to accept those things anymore.