So I wasn't sure I would ever write this post, but I guess it might be okay to do so now.
As of today, it's been two months and two days since I stopped using smokeless tobacco. This is not the first time I've quit, or even the longest I've gone, but this does feel like the most permanent.
This might come as a surprise to some, but I hid my tobacco use from my wife for quite some time. I had quit after we got married but eventually I began again. I couldn't tell her. Eventually I became reckless and she found the damning evidence. It was a very, very bad day. She says it was the worst day she's had.
Instead of being some tough guy who tried to quit everything altogether, I recognized (probably because of past failures) that it wasn't so much the nicotine or tobacco I craved, it was simply having that something in my mouth. (Yes, I realize this is a topic that disgusts many)
So when I stopped chewing, I replaced it with "fake chew", which is tobacco free and manufactured to look, smell, and taste like the real stuff. I'd tried this before, years ago, and found it to be like plastic, but like most things, they've come a long way. In case you were wondering, Smokey Mountain brand Cherry or Peach is what quelled the cravings for the better part of two months. And by the way, tomorrow will be a week without even using the fake stuff. Now I just chew gum when I "need a fix", so to speak.
Over the past several months, I've taken steps to improve myself, which is something I probably wouldn't have been aware enough to do, let alone motivated enough, without my wife. Once again, she is the my inspiration in all things. I have tried to become more in tuned with my reactions to others, my relationships with my kids, all at her urging. Even if I had thought to do it myself, I likely wouldn't have thought me worth the effort.
This tobacco thing is as much for her as anyone, but just like everything else in the past four years, I find that when I do things for her, they end up really benefiting me as well.
I didn't write this post to be congratulated or patted on the back for a job well done. This isn't that at all. I failed at quitting more than once before this time, but I feel good about the end of this quest being fruitful. I don't feel good about doing what I did to my wife. Hopefully I'll be able to restore her faith in me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
staying up to date
My wife mentioned to me the other day that this site has been a bit neglected of late. I have given her nudge some thought, and I've realized that this is basically because I've been in a really happy place. I don't want to borrow from Charlie Sheen here or anything, but I've been winning, and as any good baseball blogger will tell you, it's much easier to write when the team is losing. When they win, you kinda forget about the dropped fly ball or the missed cut-off man or the errant throw that lead to a run. Winning cures all ails. When the club is going bad, each of those examples become its own piece on your site. There are countless ways to break down a loss, but far fewer ways to dissect a win.
That's sort of how my life has been lately, which means fewer posts. I'll try to work on that.
Amity has been so wonderful. She's growing into this little person. She and Leyton look out for each other always, which is good because someone needs to protect Leyton (haha). They have little conversations and if one of them gets a snack or a piece of candy, they immediate ask for another one for their sibling. Sebastian and Lillian used to do the exact same thing. That's so cool to see that behavior repeated. I'm glad we're having a boy, but not just because it's a boy. I think it's great that Amity will get to stay Mommy's little baby girl. Valerie deserves that, and I don't think we could handle another girl getting as spoiled as this one has been.
Valerie is down to about a month left at work before she'll take off to wait for the arrival of our new baby. I was talking with Braden (my brother-in-law) last night and he remarked how he often forgets that she's pregnant. I almost do as well. She works so hard at that pig farm and then has to come home and take care of the kids and house for three hours before I get there. Even afterward, it's not like the kids suddenly leave her alone. She just keeps going, but I think that's only because she knows the end is in sight. This woman needs a vacation. And she deserves one as well.
I started this weight loss thing at work. A "Biggest Loser" type thing with teams of four. The contest lasts six weeks and only cost $25 and that came with a gym membership. So far so good for the most part. I'm down ten pounds since we started this (10 days ago as I write). It would be more, I'm sure, without some Pizza Hut buffet involved. I think I'm skipping next week though, I didn't feel so good last night after eating that grease. I guess when you only have it on rare occasions, it's not nearly as appetizing. Plus then I have to spend that much more time on that damned elliptical. The Super Bowl is this Sunday as well, so I'm not counting on a big weight loss week. That's okay though, I feel much better already and I think this is something I can stay with in the longer-term. We'll see though. It's always exciting in the beginning. Sooner or later, the realities of doing the work actually set in. Maybe this time is different.
Oh and apparently my side job as a baseball writer is something the IRS doesn't appreciate. I have to file taxes as self-employed so now I have to come up with a list of expenses that I can deduct. It's all too much for me; I'm going to H&R Block tomorrow. Hopefully this doesn't prevent us from getting that siding installed this year.
We almost lost a cat this week and may not be out of the woods. Murray (muh-RAY, female) is giant fat, but she usually isn't lethargic. Valerie took her to the vet and after many tests (and a temp of over 104) they came back with a diagnosis of severe anemia. Apparently this caused her blood to turn very thick. The options we had were to put the cat down (kill her), send her to Columbus for a $1200 blood transfusion and a lifetime of steroids, or a long-acting steroid that may or may not work. Valerie chose the steroid and took Murray home. That night she layed in one spot and never moved. Yesterday she was up and around a bit more. This morning, Murray had enough energy to start acting almost normal. I'm hopeful she'll be fine. It looks like she's feeling better.
Did you know that Lillian is only six? I need to remember that sometimes. So does she. She may as well be 15. Last night she was arm wrestling with Steph and there was an honest struggle involved. Of course, Lillian was using the wrong grip and was creating unfair leverage, but she's SIX and Steph is twenty-something. This should have been no-contest. Lillian is strong like bull. She's also exceptionally smart and self-sufficient, which is why I forget that she's still so young.
I feel like I need to mention everyone in these posts and that troubles me. I want this to be as organic as possible, which is why I've never written on a schedule here. At the same time, I almost don't want to mention everyone. The problem is that this is supposed to be a site for the children to someday look back upon. But it's also a place that a handful of my family members know about and read in the present-day. I also know that Valerie doesn't like the idea of airing our dirty laundry, so to speak, and the last thing I want is to cause a fight.
So I'm stuck between telling the world that I do have concerns about Sebastian, about his lack of attention, his unwillingness to try to learn how to do things, his emotional outbursts caused by seemingly small issues (or no issues at all), and between keeping those concerns hidden from the prying eyes of others. In keeping them hidden, however, I am not being honest with the kids. I also don't want Sebastian to read this one day and think I didn't love him, because I do. He has such a good heart and he loves to help whenever Valerie or I give him a task to do.
At the same time, though, I feel like this site should be about more than just painting the prettiest picture of our household. We aren't the Cosbys; there are actual issues and actually problems and those cannot be wrapped up in a thirty minute sitcom. But, there are also wonderful times and tiny little moments of amazement and those times far, far exceed the rough patches.
That's sort of how my life has been lately, which means fewer posts. I'll try to work on that.
Amity has been so wonderful. She's growing into this little person. She and Leyton look out for each other always, which is good because someone needs to protect Leyton (haha). They have little conversations and if one of them gets a snack or a piece of candy, they immediate ask for another one for their sibling. Sebastian and Lillian used to do the exact same thing. That's so cool to see that behavior repeated. I'm glad we're having a boy, but not just because it's a boy. I think it's great that Amity will get to stay Mommy's little baby girl. Valerie deserves that, and I don't think we could handle another girl getting as spoiled as this one has been.
Valerie is down to about a month left at work before she'll take off to wait for the arrival of our new baby. I was talking with Braden (my brother-in-law) last night and he remarked how he often forgets that she's pregnant. I almost do as well. She works so hard at that pig farm and then has to come home and take care of the kids and house for three hours before I get there. Even afterward, it's not like the kids suddenly leave her alone. She just keeps going, but I think that's only because she knows the end is in sight. This woman needs a vacation. And she deserves one as well.
I started this weight loss thing at work. A "Biggest Loser" type thing with teams of four. The contest lasts six weeks and only cost $25 and that came with a gym membership. So far so good for the most part. I'm down ten pounds since we started this (10 days ago as I write). It would be more, I'm sure, without some Pizza Hut buffet involved. I think I'm skipping next week though, I didn't feel so good last night after eating that grease. I guess when you only have it on rare occasions, it's not nearly as appetizing. Plus then I have to spend that much more time on that damned elliptical. The Super Bowl is this Sunday as well, so I'm not counting on a big weight loss week. That's okay though, I feel much better already and I think this is something I can stay with in the longer-term. We'll see though. It's always exciting in the beginning. Sooner or later, the realities of doing the work actually set in. Maybe this time is different.
Oh and apparently my side job as a baseball writer is something the IRS doesn't appreciate. I have to file taxes as self-employed so now I have to come up with a list of expenses that I can deduct. It's all too much for me; I'm going to H&R Block tomorrow. Hopefully this doesn't prevent us from getting that siding installed this year.
We almost lost a cat this week and may not be out of the woods. Murray (muh-RAY, female) is giant fat, but she usually isn't lethargic. Valerie took her to the vet and after many tests (and a temp of over 104) they came back with a diagnosis of severe anemia. Apparently this caused her blood to turn very thick. The options we had were to put the cat down (kill her), send her to Columbus for a $1200 blood transfusion and a lifetime of steroids, or a long-acting steroid that may or may not work. Valerie chose the steroid and took Murray home. That night she layed in one spot and never moved. Yesterday she was up and around a bit more. This morning, Murray had enough energy to start acting almost normal. I'm hopeful she'll be fine. It looks like she's feeling better.
Did you know that Lillian is only six? I need to remember that sometimes. So does she. She may as well be 15. Last night she was arm wrestling with Steph and there was an honest struggle involved. Of course, Lillian was using the wrong grip and was creating unfair leverage, but she's SIX and Steph is twenty-something. This should have been no-contest. Lillian is strong like bull. She's also exceptionally smart and self-sufficient, which is why I forget that she's still so young.
I feel like I need to mention everyone in these posts and that troubles me. I want this to be as organic as possible, which is why I've never written on a schedule here. At the same time, I almost don't want to mention everyone. The problem is that this is supposed to be a site for the children to someday look back upon. But it's also a place that a handful of my family members know about and read in the present-day. I also know that Valerie doesn't like the idea of airing our dirty laundry, so to speak, and the last thing I want is to cause a fight.
So I'm stuck between telling the world that I do have concerns about Sebastian, about his lack of attention, his unwillingness to try to learn how to do things, his emotional outbursts caused by seemingly small issues (or no issues at all), and between keeping those concerns hidden from the prying eyes of others. In keeping them hidden, however, I am not being honest with the kids. I also don't want Sebastian to read this one day and think I didn't love him, because I do. He has such a good heart and he loves to help whenever Valerie or I give him a task to do.
At the same time, though, I feel like this site should be about more than just painting the prettiest picture of our household. We aren't the Cosbys; there are actual issues and actually problems and those cannot be wrapped up in a thirty minute sitcom. But, there are also wonderful times and tiny little moments of amazement and those times far, far exceed the rough patches.
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