There are far too many times where I show far too little patience with my kids. The kids are wonderful; each different, but each loving and caring and smart and happy and fun. And I don't allow them enough access to the dad they deserve. I am working on it. But I do feel shame that it's something I have to try to do. Shouldn't it just be natural?
I am not a terrible father.
I love my children. I attend to their needs. I put their wants and needs before my own. I have eliminated friends, hobbies, and parts of my lifestyle because my children are a much higher priority. This seems like something that shouldn't have to be mentioned, but sadly I know a "father" or two that haven't done these things and continue to keep their children lower on the priority list than I do with mine.
I am there when I say I will be there. If I tell them I'll do something, I do it. I am consistent with my message to them and I do my best to explain why I don't want them to do certain things, or why they have gotten in trouble. I think it's important that children learn from their mistakes and they cannot do that if they don't know why what they did was unacceptable.
At the same time, I'm probably too controlling. I often don't allow them to have enough fun because they're too loud or I'm annoyed by one (or more) of them. I am not a great father in that way. I haven't been nearly as accessible as they need me to be.
My kids are tremendous. I am so very proud of the way they have each developed into little people. They are all very smart (what parent doesn't say that?), they all have wonderful and frequent smiles on their faces. Yes, they do things that unnerve me, but that's more my problem than theirs. They are just kids, just trying to be accepted and loved, just trying to live.
I know this, but it's easy to allow it to slip my mind. I do love the kids and I do accept them fully. But I also ask and expect too much from them for their ages I think. The oldest is only six, even though she's mature well beyond her years. Sebastian is a wild one at times. He always needs to be showing off for whomever is near. I wish he would understand that he's seeking the wrong kind of attention, but I can't seem to get through to him.
Last night, he decided to venture into the basement and play with some paint that had spilled down there. He knows full well he's not to go down there, but he did anyway. A short while later, he wanted to go play in the sandbox, but I told him he couldn't since he went and played in the paint. This is really the first time I have taken a privilege away from him and he didn't throw a fit about it. I told him why he couldn't go play in the sandbox and he seemed to finally get it; that his actions have consequences and that if he wants to do these things, he must refrain from doing things he knows he isn't allowed to do. There was no fight about it, he simply accepted what I had said and we all moved on. It was refreshing, really.
Sunday was Fathers Day and my wife took the kids shopping to each buy me a gift. Then she had each child create a card for me. The kids took turns bringing me the cards and then bringing me the gifts. They were so proud that they had gotten those things for me. It was truly a wonderful morning.
I have been giving a lot of thought to myself lately and how I can improve as a husband and father. I think my wife would agree that there have been positive changes in my outlook and my general demeanor of late. I have noticed it, so I hope she and the kids have as well. It's a funny thing; when you allow yourself to have a little more fun and not worry so much about controlling every little detail, the world is a better place. I know I'm lightyears ahead of where I was a decade ago as a person and I hope this evolution of me continues. I see they way other dads interact with their kids (both good and bad) and I think I'm learning and implementing things as I continue to grow.
I think back to five years ago. I was certain I didn't want to have kids. Boy was I wrong. The kids are the best part of my life and my life is better now than it ever was. No, Valerie, that doesn't mean I want more; four is plenty, but it means that I understand how much their lives can be improved if I allow myself to enjoy them more than I have.
I read a story today about Chad Cordero announcing his retirement from baseball. The powerful thing wasn't that he couldn't ever recover from an abused right arm and make it back to the big leagues, it was that he had lost a daughter to SIDS. The story, found here, was so emotional for me that I couldn't finish it. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to lose a child and I regret not having been more open with my own children to this point.
You never know when your last day on earth might be, or when it might be the last day for someone you love. It makes no sense to fret over small stuff and hold back your affection with anyone, let alone with children. The only thing they want is to be kids. When I am able to show them the constant love I feel for them and allow myself to enjoy their every moment, only then will I be a great father.
I'm getting there; I can feel it, I notice it. But I am not there yet.
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