The End of My Rope

Thanksgiving is upon us once again and while the start of the holiday season is often times a joyous occasion for many, it has become a time that only causes stress, disappointment, and anger for me. Don't misunderstand, everything in my house is always great. I wouldn't say I enjoy the loading up of the kids to rush from one house to the next, hoping while we are wherever we are that they'll behave well enough to avoid a scene, but I understand it as a necessary evil and the time spent among family is enriching nonetheless.

No, the issues that I have during holiday time aren't related to my wife or my kids, not to my in-law or their families either. The problems arise when dealing with, talking about, or even thinking of my mother and her side of the family.

I don't want to get into the whole back story here; suffice to say that my parents were divorced when I was very young and though my dad was just down the road (literally), my mom raised three kids basically by herself. For much of that time she struggled to find work as a teacher, but eventually landed a full-time job. We never had much money, but we had enough. She did a wonderful job of instilling morals and all the other things a mother should teach her kids. I am forever grateful that she was as hard on me as she was; I deserved every spanking I got.

To say that my mother and I had a close relationship wouldn't be accurate, I don't think. I had thought that we did, but when it came time for me to move out and go off to college, it became evident that I was wrong. In the 10 years that I lived in Bowling Green, which is situated an hour north on I-75, my older sister lived in Florida and then in North Carolina. During that time, my mom must have traveled to see Courtney at least twice a year every year, often times more. She came up to see me in BG exactly once. In 10 years.

I eventually moved back to Lima, just a handful of blocks away from her in fact. Things didn't change much. I'd see her when I went to her house or at my Aunt's place every now and again, but that was it. When I got married and started my own family, we grew even further apart.

A couple of years ago, it became evident how little my kids would see their paternal grandmother. My younger sister has two kids of her own and she frequently leaves them with Mom. My kids, however, have never been there together without my wife and I. She comes to birthdays and we were expected at holidays, but apart from those handful of times each year, we neither see nor hear from her. I have tried several times to arrange time and days for us to visit her, but no matter how much notice we give, it rarely happens. In fact, I think the exact number is once. Eventually, I gave up trying.

Last year, I drove to Lima on Thanksgiving day, with every intention on going to my family's gathering. Instead, I chose to go shopping and return home. My mom called me at one point, asking where I was. I told her I wasn't coming. I saw no reason to do so. If she can't make an effort to see the kids during the year at all, why should I bring them to her, begging her to at least get to know them?

So, of course, as it's that time of year again, she sent me a text the other day asking if we would come to Thanksgiving. But my wife has to work and the two older kids have to be with their bio-dad during the day, so I declined. It was not an easy decision at all. I suggested to her that we could come to her house during the week leading up to Thursday, but as a teacher, she had conferences and wouldn't be home. Knowing bio-dad would be in the picture again on the weekend, Valerie suggested we could visit her on Friday evening instead. I told my mom we wouldn't need fed and that we could come by around 6:30 pm that night.

She responded that she would be busy shopping and then putting up her tree. She asked again if I would just come on Thursday and then asked if I was coming to Christmas. My response: "No. Just forget it." Clearly, she can't be bothered to make any kind of time, so why should I?

The sad fact is that when Valerie and I were discussing things the other day, Sebastian overheard us. He couldn't contain his excitement to go to Grandma Judy's house. More sad is that Amity, who is almost 2, has seen my mother less than three times in her life (excluding birthday parties when there are dozens of other people there). Leyton, I'm certain, couldn't pick his grandma out of a lineup.

I have a wife and four kids, two of which also have to make time for their bio-dad. She (my mother) has only herself. She doesn't work weekends or evenings. But her life is somehow too busy to include seeing four of her six grandchildren even once a month. That's really all I have ever asked of her. She always thinks it's a great idea, but the idea never ever comes to fruition. Instead, she's apparently comfortable seeing my kids only on their respective birthdays. I really see no point in continuing to try. I'm no longer going to beg her. I'm no longer going to present my kids to her as if she's a queen. I'm far too busy and my efforts only lead to disappointment.

The last time she saw the kids was on Leyton's birthday (in October), when she came and was at the house for about a half hour. Before that it was at Sebastian's party in July. We live 15 miles from her house and we are more than willing to come to her, but she can't be bothered.

Obviously, shopping and Christmas tree assembly are vastly more important than seeing her grandkids. I just don't know what else I can do at this point.

I want to be clear here, just in case she reads this, that every single time her name comes up, I feel only sadness. She's my mother. I miss her. I want her to be a part of my life and my children's lives. But I cannot make her want to be a part of our lives. She has always come to the birthday parties dutifully, but I know she does it only because she's supposed to. How do I know that? Because unless it's a birthday, we won't see her. She operates toward us as if she lives 3000 miles away. My life is full and complete and busy and satisfying. I want her to add to it, but every time I even think of her, I am no longer happy or satisfied; only sad and disappointed.

Unless something changes dramatically (and by that I mean that she contacts me and sets a time and actually comes through on seeing the kids), I won't be going to Christmas, either. Beyond that, however, I no longer have any plans to keep her informed of what's happening with them. I no longer plan to contact her regarding birthdays at all. When my wife gives birth to our fifth child in March, I have no plans to alert my mother. I'm sure it would just be a bother for her to come to the hospital anyway.

If there's one thing she's made perfectly clear to me and my family over the past few years, it's that she can't be bothered to make any kind of significant time for us.

I miss you, Mom. I can only hope you realize someday soon that you are missing out on getting to know some incredibly great kids.