Incognito

If you are reading this, you are one of a select few who have been alerted to the new url (or you're handy with a Google search). Count yourselves among the most trusted in my inner circle.

I discovered, through the publishing of my thoughts at my old url, that several people got offended every time I would post. So, I was faced with the decision to stop writing altogether, which I didn't want, to write only heavily-filtered content, which doesn't seem at all authentic, or to start a new site. Fortunately, I was able to keep everything the same but change the address and here I am.

There is a great freedom in being able to write without any filter whatsoever. So much has taken place in recent months and I've kept most of that held inside. I don't only mean that I haven't written about it, I mean that I haven't even dealt with it myself; processed the turmoil in my head.

I was demoted by FanSided last month. After devoting four-and-a-half years to the network and positioning myself as "next in line" for full-time employment (their words, not mine), I was not only bypassed by two other people, but told I was no longer being considered as a member of leadership in any form.

Ultimately, I was offered, and accepted a different role within the company. I did this so I could keep the meager earnings they throw at me every month. In many ways the new role is satisfying, but it's difficult to accept that the network bosses were so tired of the help that I was trying to offer that they moved on completely. Instead of having an indirect influence on the progress of the network, I now edit copy for a couple sites.

That alone has been eye-opening. We have a few terrible writers. We have a lot of good ones, but some of them are absolutely painful to read.

So, I'm still dealing with that. There was an email chain today that went in a direction away from where I would have liked it. I felt great frustration in knowing that I didn't have a voice in how that decision was made. Why I'm still included in that email chain, I have no idea.

Outside of my hobby/career as a writer, though, I'm actually feeling pretty good in the last couple of days. I've slept better and yesterday I was in a good mood all day - like seriously all day. I realize this is something most people say as a throw-away line. They don't have to give it much thought because I assume most people are generally happy (or ignorant enough to not notice that they aren't). The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness. Someone famous once said that. I'd look it up, but it doesn't matter who said it, really; the point is that it's true.

I am, unfortunately, self-aware. As such, I spend time over analyzing things in my head to the point where I squeeze every ounce of joy and fun out of a given scenario and am left with only the worst-case, which is what I expect to take place. Man, that's a miserable way to exist.

I have children. Small ones, and many of them. Those tiny people don't always see things the way I see them, nor should they. I have softened a bit in being around them so often. I don't know if my wife would agree, or the kids for that matter, but I know it's happened; I've seen it. I've noticed the times where the reactionary answer is "no," but I pause before speaking and say "yes." It still doesn't happen often enough, but it happens more than it used to.

I suppose it's true that life is a constant evolution. We are all, at any given point, in a period of transition. My transition is maybe a little more noticeable that others, if only because it currently involves tangible things like employment.

Whatever the reason, and I have my theory, I'm a little more comfortable with the world. I've accepted and am adjusting to the FanSided thing. I'm enjoying the lack of real responsibility there. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to land full-time employment as the sports editor of the Times Bulletin, which should be decided within a couple of weeks. I'm excited to cover sports on the local level rather than the national stage. I'm enjoying my wife, my kids, and in-laws, which is the only extended family I really have anymore. All in all, I'm fairly content amidst my turbulence.

Things always seem to have a way of working themselves out. You just gotta trust it.